The Deep End

I never felt I belonged at the shallow end.  I’m never the newbie, the slow one, the less skilled or the also-ran.  I belong at the deep end, the one who takes risks, in the thick of things, always measures up, somehow a step above, a little better than the others.  I was always in honor classes, never late or absent, the top 10% at the very least.

So here I am, at 75, at the shallow end of the pool.  The one who was tossed a life preserver so I wouldn’t drown at the deep end.  The one who felt myself sinking to the bottom.  What an ignominious end, to drown at the “Y” pool!  My friends and I would play underwater games at our childhood pools, jump fearlessly into the deep water, and never fear if boys would push us in (that’s how you knew they liked you, after all).  As an adult, it was nothing to jump off a rowboat in the middle of the pond.  I was never a superior swimmer, but I could tread water, float, backstroke and propel under water and yet here I am, flapping like a fish out of water and not even moving in any direction at all.  We are even given the senior version of floaties:  pool noodles, kick boards and foam weights. 

The exercise is called bicycling:  peddle your legs under the water and move across the pool.  I hate it.  I stay in the shallow end and practice my going nowhere flailing.  There are only a couple of other class members in this area with me; and I know without being told, that these are the ladies who never went in the pool or the ocean and could barely tolerate bathtubs.  I am so deeply ashamed I cringe until it’s finally over.  So I make a decision, verbalizing it to my friend so that it is a real commitment.  I try a couple of times to move in that direction.  Take it as a positive sign that I have not drowned.

And finally, me and my noodle change our tactics.  Big forward pedals and pushing with my up-until now useless arms.  And— (to paraphrase my 5-yr old grandson a year ago) I DID DIT!!  Can I do it without the noodle?  I don’t know, one step at a time.  But I am well on my way to regaining my place in the universe—at the DEEP END!!