It was suggested to me that there should be solutions to all
the “Things I Hate” in my last blog. Of
course, that would require that I become very powerful; President or King of
the World, perhaps. In my imagination,
that’s quite plausible.
Again in no particular order—except I will begin with three
things that I didn’t even include but definitely are on my personal list:
1.
People on the grocery checkout line who wait
until their purchases are bagged and rung up before digging out the checkbook
or change purse and then meticulously either write the check or count their
pennies. Generally these people are 90+
year old ladies who are immune to the scorn and annoyance of those around them. Solution?
Drones, obviously—not the kind that kill, but just sting a little.
2.
A driver who stops in the middle of the road to
have a conversation with a driver going in the other direction. A handy device to stop this nonsense and get
on your way would be a pop up rammer on the front of your car. Of course, this would not come as standard
equipment, but an affordable option on most vehicles.
3.
People who use their cell phones in any way in a
movie theater. Even with the sound off,
texting throughout the movie creates a field of twinkling lights that kind of
distracts from watching the movie.
Solution? A sensor that turns the
movie off whenever a cell phone is used.
This is followed by the entrance of a really large man who picks up the
offender by his ears and removes them from the theater. This will be an annoyance to start with, but
eventually this behavior will cease. (I
do wonder why anyone would pay a ridiculous amount of money to go to a movie
and then spend the time texting—I mean, what are they saying? “Yo, dude, I’m at
the movie. What’s playing? I dunno, but it’s really loud, man! Oh, no, didya see that? He blew that dude up man!”)
4.
Combined category: People who abuse/neglect/hate animals. Solution?
Tied them to a tree with a bowl of water just out of reach.
5.
People who abuse/neglect children. Solution?
See #4 above—except, tie them to a post instead of a tree because they
don’t deserve the shade of an innocent tree.
6.
Combined Facebook category: People who post internet myths repeatedly
(and ignore the facts), people who share irrelevant personal details (out of
any context that anyone but them knows about), and people who rant with
misspellings and really bad grammar.
Unfortunately there’s only one obvious solution for that—stay off
Facebook.
7.
Combined prejudice category: People who think anyone who isn’t American,
anyone who doesn’t speak American English, and anyone who is a different color
from them is automatically inferior. My
solution? Drop them in the middle of a
third world country with only the clothes on their back—not even a
smartphone! Consider picking them back
up in, say, 8 or 9 months. Kind of a
global “Survivor” for idiots.
8.
People with money who think they are better than
everyone else. Solution—give me the
money because I really deserve it (remember, I’m omnipotent!).
9.
The poor quality of news in today’s media: Solution?
All news sources will henceforth be non-profit agencies and as supreme
ruler, I will dictate the subject matter.
Bye, bye, Kardashians and Justin Bieber.
10.
Combined category of communication: This one’s more complex—systems are now
rooted in place to ensure that people never actually talk to each other;
instead, they have to go through a variety of electronic devices to impart even
the simplest tidbit of information (I’m in the hospital with two broken legs
and a deadly virus! Does my insurance
cover me?). The solutions are complex as
well. A good start would be to hire all
the people who are currently unemployed to do nothing but answer phones. Even if they can’t answer your questions,
won’t it feel so much better to talk to a human? See, two problems solved at once!
So, there you have it!
Very soon I will be passing around the petition to have me
declared------President? Queen? I think Supreme Leader of the Universe will
do nicely.
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